I suck.
How long can you hide from your own emotions? You can try for a long, long time. But it doesnt make you better, it just makes you hollow.
I really dont know how to feel or act right now. For the first time in my life I know that there is someone else just as hurt as myself out there. For once, someone actually cares. And its what I can’t do that’s causing all the pain. I’m causing her pain. That’s the worst bit. I can stand my own suffering, that’s not a problem, but to know that someone is suffering as well, and that I am the source, it makes me hate myself.
Its funny, isn’t it? This is the very first time I think anyone has ever mourned me . I really dont think I’ve hurt anyone before, or at least not in any real way. I guess there is a first for everything, even the terrible stuff.
If I thought there was any real hope of making the hurt better I would. But I can’t see anything but hollow wishes that won’t amount to anything. Anything I do will just be empty.
Please, if you must, hate me. Just dont spend your time in pain because of me. My pessimism and realism have killed this. My stubbornesness, which I didnt even know existed killed this. It was beautiful and amazing, and so very special, but, I killed it, and I dont really know how im going to live with myself.
I’m sorry. I love you, and I’m so sorry. I can’t mke it right.
