Janus

I’ve been thinking about my identity lately. How we define ourselves is always so fluid, it seems like the idea of a distinct personality is a bit untrue. I had a co-worker (employee? underling?) mention awhile back that I’m really good at switching my personality for the people who are around me – I change my jokes, my expression, everything so that I best mesh with whoever I’m talking to. It has served me well, I’m pretty sure I’ve gained the trust of all my co-workers, it just makes me wonder who “I” am. Is there a single personality that fits me?

I don’t know if other people do it, from what I observe alot of people are pretty constant, same emotes, same tone of voice when they switch to a different individual. I’m sure everyone does to an extent, but I wonder where on the scale I fit. When someone closes my door I’m instantly another person – even at home when my friends come downstairs I switch modes, when they leave I switch again. I think that’s why I find constant interruptions so annoying – all that emotion switching is tiring.

So, am I weird? Is that why I have a hard time creating lasting connections with people because of my fluidity? I can only spend so much time “optimized” for that interaction before I start going to another?

I don’t know, and the thought is tiring. I wonder if this is what an atheists crises of faith looks like.

Ah… work…

On the back counter at work yesterday I noticed that there was a ripped open box laying there. Thinking something had been stolen, I walked over and found to my surprise that someone had got their prescription filled, walked 10 feet with it, then ripped open the box and left the bag, the box, and all their personal information. They were apparently in a great rush to get out the back door with their meds.

The medication in question? Viagra. Someone couldn’t wait until he got home to take a pill, so he ripped the box open and ran out the door, all in an effort to get an erection at 10 am.

Somehow I can’t help but think Michael Johnson of 2144 Elmer Road didn’t have to work yesterday.

What I’ve done…

No, not a bad Linkin Park song, instead an update. So I took the position of cash manager, which means I get all the fun responsibilities that go with it. Right now, however, I’m too busy just getting a feel for everyone and everything. My big priority right now is trying to set up the new dynamic with the (I guess now really “my”) staff, where even though alot of them have been around longer than I, I try and get them to recognize me as the boss. I guess we’ll see how that turns out. I’m trying to just see how people are feeling/thinking, what needs to be changed, what needs to stay the same, what could be done better, what doesn’t work at all. Basically I’m jumping in with that clichéd “things are going to change around here” attitude going, and hopefully I’ll be able to act upon some of it. I know a lot of people didn’t like the old cash manager, but after taking a survey it would seem that that is largely because of personality conflicts and not poor management of resources. But I need to be aware now that my actions can effect a whole lot of people, and that a whole lot of people now effect my actions.

First thing first, I’m having a talk with my day staff. Individually of course. I want their ideas and frank opinions, nothing sugar-coated by groupthink. I’m going to start with some critiques of what they need to improve and then tell them to tell me what I need to do better. Hopefully the criticism will cause them to get defensive. I find defensive people are honest people. They think from the gut, and say what is on their mind. And a visceral reaction really cuts to the core of whatever problems they may be having. I hope anyways. I don’t think I have any day staff that wanna just curl up into little ass balls at the first sign of confrontation.

I’m also going to have to do a complete inventory of the cash room tomorrow/this week. I need to know what I’m working with and what will need to be done. Oh goodie. That’ll involve lots and lots of counting tomorrow I’m sure. And talks with the boss, and the staff, and everyone else I can get to talk. Communication is important. I think. And I need to make sure the usual duties get done! This is going to be fun, I can tell. I’m bad at coming up with things to do, I hate the idea of “make work” and tend to think that people will do what needs to be done in their order of importance, and I’m not going to screw with that hierarchy just because I feel like I need to tell someone to do something.

I guess we will see how this turns out. I know that I’ve received alot of positive feedback already, and alot of encouragement. The rest of management also seems to see this as a new leaf type of moment, where they have a responsive cash manager now, who will work with them to ensure that the needs of the store are met, rather than just scramble along ineffectively. We’ll have to see how effective I am.

Oh, and I get to out how my boss thinks of me now. At work I’m proper and professional, but this weekend, to commemorate the old cash managers departure we all went out drinking. And I was informal. At one point my manager looked over at me and went “Huh, I had no idea you were this funny”. I’ll have to try and keep that sense of humour at work to keep the boss and I in good standing.

But I should go crazy the next little while. This is the first time I’ve really been REALLY responsible for anything, so I guess we’ll see how it all turns out. I mean, I’ve been responsible before, but never on a permanent basis. I’ve always been the guy that takes over when someone goes on vacation, but now I’m the guy who has taken over permanently. It’ll be interesting. Gotta get used to that. Well, that and the idea that people look up to me as knowing what I’m doing, and that my judgement is somehow sounder than theirs. Suckers.

Oh, and as I’m getting a new name-tag, anything funny I should get engraved on their? Should I get Cash Manager Extraordinaire? “Keeper of Cash and Shiny things”? Or just take it seriously? And I can’t wait until I can get out my asstastic grey, black and red polo-shirt/golf shirt/nightmare and into a blue button-up shirt. That will be a great day.

Further updates as events warrant.

Meditations upon upward mobility.

Today I got a offer to be moved up to management with shoppers as a cash manager. It’s exactly what it sounds like, I would manage the cash, the comings and goings of it, as well as the day to day staffing problems. It’d be a big move up, and I’m sure a nice raise as well.

Normally I’d be 100% ready to say yes to this, more money is always good, but it’s also a huge commitment. Doing this would mean that I’m intending to stick around. I don’t know, I guess I have to think about it. What do you guys think?

H1N1

In my constant search for knowledge I looked up the symptoms for the H1N1 virus. I’ll probably get to actually describing my thoughts on the pandemic, but for now, I just wanna make fun.

In adults:

A) Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
B) Pain or pressure in the chest or abdomen
C) Sudden dizziness
D) Confusion
E) Severe or persistent vomiting

I don’t know alot of these symptoms are problematic. For example:

A: Out of shape people
B: Out of shape people again
C: Anyone who has ever gotten up fast, or is drunk
D: Anyone who is old, stupid, or on narcotics
E: Uh…. super models? Drunks?

So:

A & B: Fat People
C & E: College Students
A & D: A typical old person
C & D: Me
A & B & D: Old fat person
A & B & C & D & E: Drunk fat old college student who may or may not be me.

Snap Crackle Pop

Yesterday morning I woke to the sounds of crackling and fizzling. In my post-sleep haze it took me a minute or five to figure out where the sound came from. I imagine if there had been an observer it would have been pretty funny, as I woke up and sleepily put my ear to all the nearby objects to see which one was the offending piece of electronics. Wasn’t my lamp, cellphone or radio. Turned out it was my alarm clock. I quickly unplugged it and put it on a flame resistant surface until I felt it was safe to throw it in the trash. RIP my Alarm Clock.

I have had that alarm clock longer than I’ve had ANYTHING. I got it shortly after Grade 2 started, when I got my first pair of glasses. It had big numbers. Really big numbers. Numbers most people could probably see across a football field, or a nearly blind guy such as myself could see from 5 feet with sand in my eyes. It was starting to die anyways, the digital faceplate had fallen off, and it was precariously perched upon its intended socket so that whenever I slapped the alarm clock off it fell off and ended up in the space between my bed and night stand. It even survived a run in with a large amount of orange juice last year due to a moment of amorous indiscretion. Most of the buttons didn’t work, permanently stuck in a sticky half-on setting. But it still lived. Well, until yesterday.

I’ve had it for so long I don’t know if I want to buy another. It just wouldn’t be the same. For now I will use my cellphone’s alarm until I can find an alarm with a huge display and that annoying “eeeeeeep eeeeeep eeeep!” alarm that every movie has and that sends bolts of anger and awareness down my spine.

Is it wrong to mourn the loss of a Alarm Clock?

I’m wondering…

What is it that scares you?

I’m curious. Halloween is coming up, but the holiday is usually just for fun. But let’s focus on the dark for a moment. What is it that causes you to wake in the night, reassuring yourself that it was all just a dream, that you are fine, that what you saw could never really be? Not the loss of a spouse, a child, or a parent. These are all events that can and will happen, and are entirely inevitable. One spouse will go before the other, the son will see the end of the father, or the father the son. These things bother us, and cause pain, but they aren’t the things that we envision when we hear the floorboards creek in the middle of the night, they aren’t the things that follow us down the dark alley. Those things that lurk there, those are the ones that truly terrify. Those are the things that cause our hearts to hammer, our bodies to shake, and panic to well up in our brain, choking out reason and logic.

So, what is it that scares you?

“I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential; and I see squandering. Goddammit…an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes; working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history man, no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression; our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised by television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won’t…and we’re slowly learning that fact…and we’re very, very pissed off.”
— Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club: A Novel)

Random Yearmarks

It’s been a year since I’ve been in a relationship. A dysfunctional, crazy ass relationship, but it was something. And you know what I miss? Oh, I could say a whole bunch of bull, but to be honest, I miss the sex. That’s all really. I miss the sex so bad. I don’t miss the drama, or the mind games, or the “spending time” shit. I miss the screwing.

Oh, and did anyone ever think about the term “screwing”? I have never, ever seen anything equivalent to screwing in a sex act. Hammering, nailing, malletting, “stripping the screw”, yes, but never once seen a twisting screw action. Maybe I’m just crazy, but I’ve seen a house fly, a horse fly, but I ain’t never seen two people screw. And I’ve watched lotsa sex.

Happy Anniversary

A year ago I had the opportunity to be part of something special. A wedding is always a cause to celebrate, but when it is between two of your closest and best friends, it is a wonderful experience. And when you get to play a part in that union the experience is made all the more special. Last year as best man I made this speech:

Good evening everyone. I’m Ian, Davids best man and longtime good friend. I’d like to thank you all for being here and helping us celebrate this joyous occasion. It is a great honour to be standing here tonight, celebrating the marriage of David and Danielle. I promise I will keep this short and sweet.

I’d like to begin by offering my compliments to the Bridesmaids. You both look beautiful tonight.

I’ve known David for a long time. We’ve joked, we’ve laughed, we’ve even gotten funny looks when it was just the two of us going to a movie on a Saturday night. I will miss our Saturday night man-dates. But not the hand holding. That was weird.

What brings us all together tonight is the love of both David and Danielle. In all honesty, I can hardly remember a time when you were apart – it feels so foreign. You both seem so perfect for each other. In fifty years, I hope we will be celebrating the same love that brings us all together today.

I would like to offer a toast: To David and Danielle. May your love grow only deeper, and may you always know this happiness.

I should be able to say more, to compose a great ode to this day, a year later. I can’t, not really, and not with the sincerity that this day deserves. Though David and Danielle have both been huge parts in my life, I can’t begin to express what exactly it is that makes their relationship so special. I can’t help but think of it as a star. You can only stare at the light without words to really describe the sight. It dances and sparkles to the eye. You know that it is beautiful, and that is unique. The reality of it is that it is so much greater than that, and it’s only apparent to those who are sharing in its light. But you know that it will last a very, very long time.

Though I find myself grasping at words, I want to offer this simple message up: Happy First Anniversary Dave and Danielle. You guys are two of the best people I have known and that you have discovered and continue to discover love serves as an inspiration to us all. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope that your next anniversaries finds your lives ever the greater.